So
now what? I wait for the predictable stages of grief to kick in. Never knew how
accurate a few of them could be. I take a heavy dose of Ambien at night to
quiesce my mind that has been racing all day. First in anticipation of the
dreaded moment when the nurse arrives to put Dodger to sleep and then just a
deluge of memories all day long. The sedative helps fatuously. You can’t be
sedated forever. If only it was that easy. There are things to do and hours to
endure. I lie in bed and wait to hear the rustle of his feet or the noise his
chain made when he tried to scratch his head with his paw. Silence. First stage
has taken complete hold of me. I look for the nightstand clock whose face I had
turned away, somehow chimerically thinking that time somehow will cease. It
hadn’t. The dimly lit numbers show 3:27 AM. Damn these pharmaceutical pigs. I
pop one more tablet and the pharmaceutical pig made a quick comeback.
The
morning brings more dilemmas. There are no noises to be heard. There is
constant chatter of messages via whatsapp or Facebook. Dodger touched many
lives. Yesterday, I had fecklessly tried to remove everything that would remind
Shibani of Dodger and stowed in our garage. Worried that anything that belonged
to Dodger would trigger an emotional outburst. But the whole house belonged to
him. His “things” may not be visible but his presence is everywhere. His body
may have egressed but his presence is everywhere. I am an avowed atheist, a
complete non-believer but I am shamefully taking a line from the Upanishads for
my convenience and an attempt to gain some equanimity. We are told “ The
adorable one is seated in the heart and rules the breath of life. All the
senses pay homage to him. When he breaks out of the body in freedom from flesh,
what else remains?” I would like to think what remains are his memories, in our
heart, to cherish forever.
It’s
weird but my brain starts playing songs at odd times of the day and they have
never had any relevance to my day-to-day life. Since yesterday though, this
song from 3 Idiots has been playing non-stop and boy the lines are relevant.
Here are a few words with English translation.
“Behti
Hawa Saa Thaa Voh,
Udati Patang Saa Thaa Voh,
Kahan Gaya Usey Dhoondo.
Humko to Rahen Thi Chalaati,
Voh Khud Upni Raah Banaata,
Girata Sambhalta,
Masti Se Chalta Thaa Voh.
Humko
Kal Ki Fikar Sataati,
Voh
Bas Aaj Ka Jashn Manata,
Har
Lamhe Ko Khulake Jita Thaa Voh”
English
Translation
“He was like a flowing wind,
He was like a soaring kite,
Where he had vanished, let's find him.
While the paths always lead us
He always made his own path
Sometimes fell, sometimes balance but
always went ahead cheerfully
We were always worried about tomorrow
He always celebrated today
He lived every minute fully”
